


Poems From My Soul: A Look Inside

by Morningstar (Morningstar_Decepticon)



Category: N/A - Fandom, No Fandom, Original Work, Original Works, Real life - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, BDSM, Bad Days, Bad Decisions, Betrayal, Birthday, Childish, Coming of Age, Coming-of-age, Depression, F/F, F/M, Friendship/Love, Good Days, Growing Up, I will tag as I update, I'm Bad At Tagging, IRL, Inspired by Music, It's Like You See How I Grow Up, Lust, Mental Illness, Multi, Music, Original Character(s), Poems, Poetry, Random & Short, Random - Freeform, Randomness, Romance, Serious Matters, Sins, Songwriting, Story-Telling, Stress Relief, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Therapy, Wide-Array, dark side, friendships, light hearted, maladaptive daydreaming, music therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-07-04 04:32:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 50
Words: 16,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15833826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morningstar_Decepticon/pseuds/Morningstar
Summary: I like to write poetry of all genres. It helps me calm down, relax, feel better, and when I don't have the energy to write a full length short or work, poetry is my best friend. I put things here from even back in 2013! I have depressing, lewd, heartfelt, enraging, and more types of works in here. I hope you will take the time to stop by and take a look at them. You might find one that speaks to you too. Anyway, have a wonderful day, my friend!





	1. Word Poems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So don't think that the first chapter is the basis for the rest of the poems! These are easy to do, so I put them in front so you and I can enjoy them, and reach them easier. If you are wanting more 'mature' and 'meaningful' poetry, I recommend going further in the chapters, as that is all you will get! Thank you darlings~

The war raged for longer than most lives, only those who were in it could experience it all  
Rage and demands began it, guns and blasters continued it  
A long time ago the war was just a rumor, nothing more, before it came to a head  
Near death, a young being was transformed into a beacon of hope after a betrayal  
Saved from death, he began to fight the ones he once looked up to  
Fighting back, he became the leader, taking on the enemy, the one he was rebuilt to take down  
Only he was strong enough to handle the cruel tyrant, it seemed.  
Ruling over his troops with a gentle hand and a fatherly tone  
Meaning he had honor and mercy, which the villains exploited  
Energy was low at their home, so they escaped to find more  
Remember, there was war, and they were followed, to be shot down and laid unconscious beneath the earth  
So begins the tale of the beings from beyond the stars, and the battle for their home  
***  
How ever you see it, they stand alone mostly  
Even when the odds are against them, they fight back  
Remember this when you look at them through your rose colored lenses  
Only the heroes stand up  
***  
Always thinking they are talking about you  
Never having a moment of peace in the open world  
X's and O's only for the others, it seemed  
I don't know why I am scared today  
Even though I am safe, as they tell me  
They don't understand that I don't feel that way  
You need to get me home, before I scream  
***  
Deep down, I feel like shit  
Even when I smile, I feel like I am garbage  
Pressure to keep smiling just makes me want to cry  
Running away from my problems is my way of life  
Enough of your lectures, please  
So much for feeling better, I guess  
Seems like today I am going to sleep endlessly  
I feel so numb, so dead  
Only death can free me, it seems  
Night night, never waking up again  
***  
Death is just a word to describe so much more  
Even though it means no more life, I yearn for it  
Although I will leave many friends behind if i call it's name  
The knock on the door beacons me to open it  
Hello old friend, did you miss me?  
***  
Very wrong in the eyes of most  
I can see more underneath the violent eyes of the man  
Looking past, I see someone who once fought for equality  
Little did he know, he would have been corrupted  
And as I look, I weep, knowing he was once called a hero  
I couldn't help but miss the man who he called once friend  
Now is the time, to take down the villain  
***  
While you cry at night, I am off defending what I believe is right  
And you know in your heart, I won't be coming back alive  
Remember me as I was, and bury me in my suit  
***  
For you, I will be there  
Remembering your birthday and name and sometimes your dreams  
I know I may be annoying, but I will be there  
Even if I have to move heaven and earth for you  
Not because I want anything, but because I love you  
Don't forget that when you grow up  
***  
First of all, non magical people are called muggles  
Angels and demons do exist  
Not my department  
Demons I get, People are crazy  
One does not simply walk into Mordor  
May the force be with you  
***  
Annoyed to the extreme  
Never going to give you the pleasure  
Greatly displeased with you  
Enraged with your actions  
Righteously going to prove you WRONG  
***  
Talk with you about secrets  
Really be there for me  
Us always being there for each other  
Secrets and pasts being shared  
Tell me about what you feel  
***  
Always feeling paranoid  
Never feeling completely safe  
Xtreme shyness and tightness of chest  
I feel eyes on me everywhere  
Everyone is talking about me  
Talking behind my back  
You still there for me?  
***  
Love me with kisses and cuddles  
I love you with all my heart caregiver!  
Tell me that you love me despite all my flaws  
Think of me as your little princess  
Learn how to treat your kitty cat  
Easy as ABC  
***  
Cancel my classes please  
Oh fuck this bullshit  
Learn in expensive classes  
Leave me alone, I'm busy dying  
Agh I have a migraine  
Goddamn homework assignments  
Essays suck, especially in MLA and APA formats  
***  
New series to watch  
Enough to last me for a good while  
That show is amazing  
Fight me the anime is good  
Love me some exclusive original content  
I am binging again  
X's and O's dot my eyes  
***  
Girl is so cute  
I love my tall goddess  
Reading her work is amazing  
Learning more about her all the time  
Fights aren't a thing with us  
Right about me, usually  
Ironically the shy one, even when taller  
Enough brains to make most jealous  
Never enough, I want to see her more  
Darling, I love you

***  
Cuddle me close  
Any time with you is special  
Rub my back and spank me nice  
Enough is never enough for me!  
Give you my trust and my everything  
I will always love you!  
Very much into singing and playing  
Every time you care for me, I feel light in my soul  
Read me a story and kiss me goodnight  
***  
Make me submit  
Assist me to forget the world  
Slave to no one but you  
Tear me apart and build me anew  
Every breath, every moan, every praise  
Reminds me that I love being owned  
***  
Sire cares for me deeply  
I love to serve him completely  
Require nothing but us in a room  
End my control for a while my King  
***  
Sinking far below the water  
Until I am finally broken  
I just want the pain to end  
Can't you see that I don't see any other answer  
I hope you will forgive me for this  
Death is my final answer to these pains  
Enjoy the life I could not, my friends  
***  
Big day, the day the world met you  
I cannot get myself excited for it, but  
Rather everyone else can't either  
There is no point to it, I see  
Having a day where you made it around the sun  
Day of creation  
Always taunting me that I live  
Yet at any moment, that can change  



	2. Desire

A small smile to keep me alive  
A sweet tone with the words to match  
A hug to warm my condemned edges  
A harmonious song to grace my ears  
A laugh at my jokes to brighten my own sweet smile  
A bit of idle chatter to make the mood right  
A bit of food for the heart is the stomach  
A touch on the shoulder to steady myself  
A kiss on my face to remind me my heart still beats  
A bit of hand holding, to make things scandalous  
A bit of flirting, the most awful of pick up lines   
A compliment here and there, always the truth  
"I love your eyes." "I love your voice." "I love your hair." "I love your smile."  
A bit of teasing, to get the rich redness of cheeks  
A cute pout, a promising glare, a wonderful grin of revenge  
A little walk with each other, enjoying the air  
A little confession, try not to be scared  
"I love you. I always will do."  
"I love you too. That will always remain true."


	3. A Best Day

The Day doesnt seem so bad  
I know that today, is a good day  
The future doesn't seem so bleak  
And I can sense a change  
Today I did something I thought I would never do  
I exercised before noon  
I did well on a test  
I tried out something new  
I walked with a dear friend (around the school no less)  
I made people smile  
I made people laugh  
I am Happy  
I, of all people,  
Am Happy.  
Lets see what Life throws at me  
To change that


	4. Poem Unnamed #1

Of all the sins I have and will commit,  
You shall be the one I shall lay awake about.  
Of all the times I have hurt people,  
You shall be the one who caused me to hurt the most.  
I shouldn't be allowed to be like this.  
I shouldn't want this after all I heard.  
I shouldn't need you after the truths revealed.  
I know I am going to hell for this,  
But I think I shall not care.  
For if I am sentenced to hell for desiring what I desire  
I shall walk through the gates with my head held high  
And I shall greet the devil himself with a smile.


	5. The Curse of Freedom

Once upon a time, this cage was home  
I was happy here, no desire to roam  
Then one day, a falcon came, singing a song  
A song of hope, freedom, knowledge; he offered to take me along  
This little bird, not knowing the cost, spread her wings and flew  
Wobbly at first, of course, as the sensation to her was new  
The first few adventures opened her eyes to the world around  
And taught her that she was in fact bound  
She was encaged to her nest, where she had laid  
She had to return! Lest she be slayed!  
But with more adventures and lessons came a cost  
A fragile innocence once protected was lost  
She knew the wrongs and broken parts of her nest now  
She could not ignore it any more, she could not bow  
The more freedom the falcon gave her, the more she cried  
That sweet shield of ignorance had died  
She wanted to be free! She didn't want to stay!  
She wanted to fly and sing and swoop and play!  
The nest was her cage! She wanted to soar!  
Please little nest! Don't cage me any more!  
So the falcon had saved and destroyed her  
The freedom had freed and caged me, as it were  
The home no longer a home, dreams now changed  
Her mind no longer ignorant, her thoughts more deranged  
Freedom sets you free, that much is true  
But freedom also changes everything, especially you  
At the end, I suppose one thing is for sure  
Don't ignore the Falcon, don't ignore the lure


	6. The Feeling That Haunts Me

The feeling that haunts me  
Is one I have known for a very long time  
One that keeps me broken and cracked  
One that has taught me a life of crime  
This Feeling that haunts me  
is one like an old friend  
Its hurting me, crushing me, but comforting all the while  
All I dream is for it to continue and to end  
The feeling that haunts me  
Visits me like a terrible sickness  
It drains me completely, it makes me sleep  
It makes me unable to cure my mind's illness  
This feeling that haunts me  
Is making my little bit what I call life hell  
I cry waterfalls, I break down, I ache like no other  
It knows me inside and out, it knows me too well  
The feeling that haunts me  
Will kill me one day  
I hate to say it, try to fight it  
But I see no other way  
My feeling that haunts me  
is Depression I know  
It is one feeling  
That will never let go


	7. The Call of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a warning... Its a bit graphic... I'm depressed... and I am having a hard time with it. Don't be worried for me. I'm just writing out my demons.

If I jumped from the highest bridge in the world  
I wouldn't hit the ground, don't worry  
For the rope around my neck, tied tightly  
Would keep my feet and body off it

That sounds terrible doesn't it?  
That I am making light of something so dark?  
When you have been friends with your demon for so long  
You start to lose sight of how that effects others

Others without your demon  
Others without that pain  
Others without that awful ache in their heart

The thing is  
I don't fear death, nor do I fight it  
I actively dream of death  
My own, no other  
For I would die for others  
For the mere fact that I would die  
Not for the heroics, not for the fame, not for the glory  
Just my final act in the thing I call my life

Now don't you fret, don't you worry  
I'm not planning a one last stand  
I'm not to that point, I'm afraid

Maybe that's just it  
I'm afraid.  
I'm lost.  
I'm broken.

Maybe one day, I will manage to glue the pieces together.  
Maybe one day I will escape this horrible feeling of decay  
Maybe one day I will finally smile and mean it's happiness  
Maybe one day I will be free

Today, however, is not that day.  
Today I will cry over nothing and fee horrible about it  
Today I will second guess myself and hate myself for the fun of it  
Today I will imagine my own funeral and laugh cry at the reactions  
Today I shut down and just feel numb

Because that's what I can do  
Because that's what I feel  
Because I am lost  
Because I cant do this today

Good night


	8. My Pretty Little Ring

My pretty little ring  
is a silver band with a pink heart rock  
Engraved in my pretty little ring is my name! My school! Even my year!  
Its nothing anyone could ever mock!

Oh my pretty little ring  
You shine, you sparkle, you even seem to glow  
But Oh, my pretty little ring  
You have a story no one seems to know!

My pretty little ring was hard to get  
Not in money! Not from transport! Not from a store!  
My pretty little ring was hard to get  
Because I wasn't going to graduate, according to lore

The pretty little ring is a reminder of those horrible days  
The bullying, the teasing, the endless days of hell  
My pretty little ring is a symbol of the hallways  
That I ran down before the bell

My pretty little ring is a reminder that I won  
Only because I was pushed and shoved  
My pretty little ring was a trophy  
Given to me, for shiny I mostly loved

My pretty little ring is a way into my mind  
Because it tells a dark and almost mystifying tale  
I suppose its a happy story, my pretty little ring is,  
For the ending seems to have ended well

My pretty little ring fits my finger  
A rarity and a beloved one at that  
My pretty little ring is a blessing and a curse  
To this depressed, successful brat


	9. I Am Sick

There is a pit in my stomach  
Thick and bulging  
Altering between hollow and full  
I feel sick

There is a lump in my throat  
Causing me to gag and wretch  
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!  
I feel sick

My chest hurts so much  
My heart feels split in two  
Its heavy and it aches  
I feel sick

My eyes wont stop crying  
They are sore and wet  
They are like fountains, always on  
I feel sick

My head hurts so bad  
A migraine of a thousand quiet voices  
I may just sleep for a few days  
I feel sick

My thoughts are all of terribleness  
Death, harm, sorrow, rumors, the like  
Please be quiet, I don't want to listen  
I feel sick

My body is trembling  
Its like its in a freezer  
I think I am shaking in fear  
I feel sick

My walking is sluggish  
My stance is weak  
I stumble through my path  
I feel sick

All of this  
You cant seem to see  
Please, my dear friends and family  
I am sick


	10. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kinda sang this as I wrote it. Maybe you can find the secret beat too. Ha ha ha...

I kinda sang this as I wrote it. Maybe you can find the secret beat too. Ha ha ha...

Everything you say to me  
I try not to allow to hurt me  
But it does anyway  
Sorry to say

I once trusted you with everything  
You were my rock, my pillar, my life  
Now I realize that its time for a change  
It hurts me more than I can say

Oh I know you're hurtin'  
But can't you see  
Your hurtin' is hurtin' me too  
Your hurtin' causing me harm  
You're allowing yourself to allow your hurt to control you  
I'm sorry...

I plan to move on  
Plan to start my life with those who call to me  
You don't like it, I understand  
But I need to be my own "man"

This doesn't mean i wont come home again  
If I fail, I fail with pride  
I won't lie  
I'm scared too

But I wont let my fear keep me  
From being who I wanna be  
I wanna fight and scream and make my name ring loud  
I wanna try

And I know you're hurtin'  
But can't you see  
Your hurtin' is hurtin' me too  
Your hurtin' causing me harm  
You're allowing yourself to allow your hurt to control you  
I'm sorry...


	11. Poem Unnamed #2

Today, I woke up  
Feeling numb and cold  
Hating myself once more  
I feel so alone

I cant really talk about it with those I love  
What can I say?  
"I'm sad. There's no reason, but I'm sad."  
Where did I go wrong?

I just want to feel right again  
I just want to feel good again  
I just want to feel happy again  
Please let me feel happy again


	12. The Perfect Actress

I seem to be too good at my act  
The act where I am happy and good  
The act where I am not considering my life's end  
The act where my laugh is real and my smile is genuine  
I wish that it wasn't an act  
I wish I did feel these things  
But at the moment I am numb and cold  
And the life in my eyes is dulled and false  
Can you see it?  
Can you see but choose not to act?  
Tell me that you see through my charade of happiness  
Tell me you can see the pain my heart and I can be open  
Tell me that this performance isn't enough to hide my sorrows  
But you don't see  
I am too good at this game I play  
I am the Perfect Actress  
And this world is my stage


	13. Tell Me The Truth

I look at you, and I know you can't be trusted  
Your eyes sing me a song of tragedy and ends not meeting and your hidden pain and you have been crying again haven't you  
Your lips tell me of lies you told and cracked nights of screaming for some meaning and biting them so you don't speak up and make things worse  
Your ears tell me you keep earbuds in to keep your pain low, so you don't hear how badly you screw up in this world  
Your face tells me of emotions hidden and fake smiles and times forgotten and maybe of accidents that shouldn't have happened  
Your hands tell me of days where you bit your nails to keep you quiet, drawn blood from peeling the flesh from your hands, and how you write to keep yourself alive  
Your arms tell me you annoy your cats to cause them to claw you, because you don't have the stomach to cut yourself there  
Your feet tell me where you hide the cuts and why you hesitate to walk on them  
Your belly tells me you eat to hide the pain you feel and eat to feel maybe a moment's bliss  
Your hair tells me you haven't bathed in a couple days, maybe from not having enough energy to get out of bed  
Your neck tells me you tried to strangle yourself, maybe that's why you cant wear turtlenecks or t-shirts, for the sensation haunts you  
This is why I don't look in the mirror anymore  
I look at myself, and I know I can't be trusted


	14. The Last Time I Opened Up

Last time I opened up to a friend  
I was locked up, taken away, forced into a sterile building of padded rooms  
Can you blame me for apologizing so much?  
I'm so fucking scared to death that you will turn away after realizing how broken I am  
Forgive me for what I say  
Please forgive me and please stay  
I'll shut up  
I'll be quiet  
I'll fake happiness for you  
I can't go through my past again  
I won't fucking survive again

Last time I opened up to a friend  
I lost everyone and everything  
My circle of friendship and laughs and hope  
Left me after seeing how broken I truly am  
My grades and knowledge and wisdom  
All left me, leaving me a stupid, failing mess  
Please don't leave me behind again  
I won't be able to take it again  
I'll hide my tears  
I'll hide my limping  
I'll be my old self for you  
I can't go back to that period of time again  
I won't allow myself to do it again

Last time I opened up to a friend  
My friend became cold  
They blamed me for the things I said, things I did  
I didn't mean any of it!   
I don't even remember the terrible things I did!  
My mind is as broken as shattered glass after a fit of indescribable rage  
How can I make it up to you if I don't even know what i did wrong?  
Why won't you allow me to apologize if this me is new?  
Please don't leave me!  
I'll do my lame puns!  
I'll be your shoulder to cry!  
I'll give my all for you!  
I can't be alone again  
I cant do this anymore nor ever again

The last time I opened up to a friend  
I lost it all  
I don't want to do it again


	15. Defending Me

This sensation is new to me  
The old days seemed so close  
Back when the form of love they gave  
Was physical abuse and woes  
I was hit more than I like to admit  
By the ones who I called my friends  
I told myself thats how they show me affection  
But I could feel my heart begin to rend  
Now when that familiar hit came to me  
Stung just like the "good ol' days"  
People jumped to my defence, with a start  
Which made me confused, isnt that the way?  
It may have been years, but I'm still learning  
How to be friends, with those who truly care  
I can not thank them enough for being close to me  
I can not thank them enough for being here  
To the friends who yelled at him  
To the friends who cared for my bruise  
To the friends who had to step out lest they attack him  
To the friends who the situation they defused  
Thank you


	16. Agony's Light

Made by me on 9/30/11 (13 years old)  
She winces, as if in pain  
I'm helpless as I see  
Her problems, her trouble  
Just like mine, inside of me  
She cries out, as if, in pain  
As I walk towards the girl  
With Agony written on her face  
With her tears beginning to swirl  
"Please! I need you to help me!"  
She grabs at me, her friend  
"Girl! STAND UP!"  
She tries to hold on to the end  
"Why should I help you  
If you do not try?  
Stop your tears, get up  
How do you think I get by?"  
She looks to me in wonder.  
"Yes I've felt your pain.  
Just like you, I let it get to me.  
I let it drive me insane.  
But I learned a lesson  
That taught me to be strong.  
Heed my words, my friend,  
And you will never go wrong.  
Stand tall, look life in the eye  
Don't watch it go by  
Laugh at it's stupidity  
And don't ask why."  
I look to the sunrise and smile.  
"Life is a mother and friend,  
But also a pain and a foe.  
Life is full of surprises to the end.  
So let me ask you,  
Why stop and cry?  
Life is so short my friend!  
There's no time to stand by!  
C'mon, lets do something!  
Walk, talk, stalk, or run!  
You need to do something!  
You need to have fun!  
Forget the foes.  
They are just Life's rest.  
But stick with me and I'll show you...  
Some of it can be Life's best."


	17. 2010-2012 Notebook Poems

I think some of these were from books I read or ones I heard, but most are from my head, I know that much. Thanks for reading, friend.

As soon as I can't see you  
Day turns to Night  
Dawn turns to Dusk  
Won't you be my light?

I'm the ice cream  
You're the cherry  
We are so sweet together  
Should we marry?

I know your secret  
You are my hero  
I see you in my dreams  
You are no zero

Through the snow  
I see my King  
Waiting for me  
With a wedding ring

Here I am  
Black and Blue  
You are so cruel  
So screw you too

You are all for peace and love  
I prefer a sword and mace  
But though I don't show it  
I love you with grace

You don't like me  
I don't like you  
You give me one punch  
I'll give you two

ou love sports  
I like DBZ  
I'll adore you anyway  
And you will adore me

I can't write  
This is muck  
All I can say is  
Poems like these really suck

Cupid shot his arrow  
I thought he had a miss  
My doubts faded away  
When you gave me a kiss

It was only yesterday  
That we had a fight  
I gave you a bloody nose  
And man, that wassa sight!

Cars are red  
Trucks are blue  
My radio is loud  
Just like you!

I tell you to shut up  
I can hear your screams  
I love you secretly  
Nothing is as it seems

You hand me a rose  
I blush with glee  
I give you a kiss  
We are a cute couple, you and me

Today's the day  
For you to have some fun  
Because even though you are getting older  
You are still #1!

Love you once  
Love you twice  
Break my heart  
And pay the price

They say girls are weak  
Those groups of men  
But they will get a shock  
When they meet Adrienne!

Verse after verse  
Song after song  
To you alone I beg  
Please be back before long

Look to the glorious moon  
Look to the glittering stars  
If those mean nothing to you  
You have too many scars

The pain inside me  
Has grown too strong  
No one hears me scream  
No one hears my song

I meet you in the garden  
As Dawn turns to Day  
My prince, must you leave me?  
As my heart begins to sway?

I could not feel anything  
For me, it was only night  
Then, a hand grabbed me  
And took me to the light

You read my poems  
And you promise to me to stay  
I laugh at that  
Because like the others, you will go away

From a kid named J.J.-  
Adrienne, Adrienne, You are so cool  
Adrienne, Adrienne, you are not a fool  
You are so cool to me, you glow  
That is why I love you so!

In response from Me-  
JJ Your name is so cool  
That is why you say it twice  
JJ to everyone you rule  
Because you are as smooth as ice

Do you hear it?  
The silence of it all?  
Do you see it?  
The leaves of fall?

Screw me once  
Hit me twice  
Love me hard  
Hate me nice


	18. The Sounds of the Seasons

The silence of winter  
The roar of spring  
The whimper of fall  
The urge to sing  
I have heard  
And I have seen  
All of this  
From winter to spring  
But I have love  
For the scream of summer  
For the scream seems to be  
To me, a murmur  
The murmur speaks to me  
Of past times and change  
I listen to it by the wind  
Like a prisoner of a cage  
But too soon, too quickly,  
The whimper of fall  
Comes and takes it's place  
To tell it's tales to all


	19. I'm Not Perfect

I will admit I am not perfect  
Far from it  
I overthink situations  
I act like I'm happy and carefree when I'm not  
I care too much for people who don't care about me nearly enough  
I feel guilty about things I shouldn't  
I am not a fighter, even though I pretend to be  
I fear hurting people, even when I'm not  
I don't pay attention in school  
I don't care for myself the way I should  
I don't stand up for myself, and allow others to do as they wish  
All these things make me flawed  
And yet  
I'm learning to trust the right people with my heart  
I'm learning to try to care for myself  
I'm learning how to control those bad thoughts  
I'm learning to ignore the little stuff  
I'm learning how to stand up  
I'm learning how to open up  
No, I'm not perfect  
But  
I'm learning how to work with it


	20. Wasn't Expecting This

I thought when the time came, I would be ready  
I wasn't expecting this  
I understood that there was going to be a bit of pain  
I wasn't expecting this  
I knew that I would go through a bit of a spell  
I wasn't expecting this  
The thoughts in my head would rage and sink like ships  
I wasn't expecting this  
I knew I would be thrown for a loop, maybe two  
I wasn't expecting this  
Maybe a breakdown or two, large or small  
I wasn't expecting this  
I would be gasping for breath for a moment  
I wasn't expecting this  
Maybe a stomach, fairly bad but able to be handled  
I wasn't expecting this  
I wasn't expecting to be leaving so soon, leaving the family so quick  
I wasn't expecting this.  
Who would?


	21. This Dream of Mine (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A bit on the dirty side. Fantasy and all that. I blame a certain individual in my life... but I wouldn't change a thing~ Let us get on with the show~!"  
>  ~Adrianna~  
>  (Warning: Rated M for Mature. Involves sexual intentions/acts, slight BDSM, the usual worries)

When I close my eyes now, you pop into my head  
Hard to say this, but you have infected me with a illness that can't be cured  
Your promises, your words, your attention...  
I crave them, to the point where my mind is tormenting me with the sweetest things  
Lust is a terrible thing when one has no outlet  
And my head is a special one  
My daydreams are almost reality  
I can lose myself in the world my mind creates to the point that  
This reality fades away and I am no longer bound here  
I can feel your hands running over me, feeling what you claim is yours  
I can hear you murmur what a good girl I am, how soft I am  
I smile, breathless, helpless, eager to feel more of what you have to offer  
What can I say?  
I have my wants and needs in the bed, and my love  
I love being beneath you  
You are teasing, knowing I adore yet hate it  
I'm willing, knowing I have been aching for this  
And yet I am terrified  
I know my flaws, I know very well my demons  
I'm not perfect, and I know your past affairs  
How will I match up to those past beauties?  
A bite calls me back to the present, a gasp escapes me  
You know my thoughts, and understand  
But you won't stand for it  
"You are mine... and I won't abandon you."  
Those words are my aphrodisiac  
A quick nod, a slight blush, a shy smile  
And once more into the depths of sin  
Another kiss, a trail, a river  
You know exactly what I want and what I need  
I want to forget the world, and think only of you  
To forget I exist and be nothing more than a play thing  
I want to be numbed to the reality but electrified to your touches  
What can I say?  
You make me feel things that drive me insane  
As I'm slowly stripped and revealed to your darkened eyes  
I look away, that one last hint of self doubt  
Before my hips buck to firm, yet perfect, push of a button  
"Look at me, Little one. Focus on your Master."  
And just like that the worries of the world are gone  
And I am completely his  
I know the rules, I know the word  
I lose myself in the world of pain and pleasure  
I give myself fully to his world  
And I am truly happy.  
So many different ways for me to be pleased  
So many wonderful ways for me to please him  
The ideas and wants racing through my body, mind, and soul  
This is my fantasy  
Alas  
That is just what it is  
Be it a call of my name, a poke of the shoulder, or a growl of my stomach  
I return to reality with a jerk  
Oh my dearest dreams, why would you leave me so quick?  
I show no sign of my dirty desires or my insatiable needs  
As I return to my adult mode  
But don't you worry dear reader  
I will return there soon  
To that beloved Dream of mine~


	22. Rainy Days/Rainy Nights

The day is gloomy; the clouds cover every inch of the sky  
The sun isn't seen for miles around  
The feel of the air is now getting heavier  
Oh that's when I hear the sound  
The drops of water just streaming down the sky  
Dampening all other noise  
It's a perfect day to take a nap or just sleep in  
Maybe just sit outside, in my chair, and watch with poise  
It's a good day to relax and enjoy some Netflix  
Maybe write a story or a poem about how I feel  
Maybe just lay and let my mind wonder away  
And ignore whats real

The night comes, the thunder and lightening crossing the sky  
I'm alone with my thoughts  
My mind is full of them  
Interrupted only by thunder sounding like gun shots  
Looking at the sky I know what I am in for  
Forgive me for saying but  
Rain is calming yet it can bring back pain like a flash of lightening  
Which can hurt like a very painful cut  
The rain is the only truth I know  
It doesn't lie, it doesn't bluff, it doesn't ghost  
It's always there, in the open  
It seems to always arrive when I need it most.  
As I head inside and head for my room  
I know what i have to do  
Open the window, let the water and chill in  
Close my eyes, and try to stop thinking of you


	23. Who Resides In Me

When I am alone, that is when I am me, the real me it seems.   
I don't have to pretend to be anyone I'm not, I can be as quiet and remain in my dreams  
Me when I am alone is quiet, reserved, silent  
Alone in my head, my thoughts peaceful yet can turn violent  
This real me, this true me, I don't know if another will see me like this  
To see me in this way, maybe join me in this abyss  
This me is thoughtful, introspective, likes to sing to songs, seeing the scene  
The images in my head, my personal wonderland, where I am queen

When I am with a kid or a in-need friend, my oldest comes out, my dear Grace  
She's the mother in me, the one with the slowest pace  
She is careful and caring, the one where she comforts you without fail  
She's like the fairy godmother from a fairytale  
Grace works hard to figure out how to make someone happy  
Loves to tell stories whose endings are always sappy  
She makes sweets, she sings songs, she plays like a child  
Her heart is so big it will leave you beguiled

When I am eager to try something new, that's when the middle comes out, Kylia the Wild  
She's the one ready for anything new, for a little bit of excitement that's not mild  
Loud and brash, rude with the truth, ready for a fight  
You mess with her, you are in for a hellova fight  
She wants to drink, to smoke, to get higher than the sky's edge  
To experience everything is her life's pledge  
Bravery and Courage is her soul's claim  
If you want to have someone beside you in jail, she's your dame

When I am in public, with friends, or just not alone, that's when she comes out, the true star  
Morningstar, the pride and joy, is anything but subpar  
Her smile brightens a room, her laugh heard everywhere in time  
She is a hero to all, kinda like Optimus Prime  
She sings, she jokes, she flirts with a grin  
When she's in charge of me, I am sure to win  
Star is a prideful dragon with a heart of gold  
Who's antics and love will never get old  
She is who guides me when I can no longer function  
She is who fixes my soul when I malfunction

Then there is my one, and most harsh, of personalities  
Who can come as she pleases, beyond my abilities  
Eveningmoon, my reality and corrupted part  
The one who knows every fear and insecurity in my heart  
She will tell me the truth, every harsh reason  
She will make me feel hot or cold despite any season  
She tries to protect me by warning me or trying to predict the future  
All she does is open a wound which she fixes with a suture  
Jagged, rough, dark, tainted  
She is my reality, one the world has painted

There are others who come out to play every once in a while  
There is Miseria, who's sadness will wipe out any smile  
There is Adrianna, who's allure and words can infatuate anyone  
There is Andy, the little in me who just wants to have fun  
There is Lorraine, the adult who wants to remain in charge  
There is Cynthia, who's my opposite and yet the same in large  
There is so many different parts of me, all of them still me  
Though many people would argue multiple personality, I disagree  
They are just who I summon to give me strength, to teach me true  
Even if some of them make me feel a bit blue  
So if you want to see what makes me be  
Just ask who resides in me


	24. Not Suicide But Yes (M)

Maybe this is the day I will take a step into the street, to allow a car to end this life of mine  
You can't think if you are dead, right?  
Maybe a shooter will come up to me and demand I beg for my life, maybe he will spare it  
I won't. I'll laugh and say pull the damn trigger  
Maybe I'll get a disease that is easily cured but lethal if it isn't treated  
Get the slab ready for me  
Maybe I'll get murdered randomly and end up on the news  
Look at me I'm famous  
Maybe I'll do something stupid and have a final stand with the cops  
I just don't want to do it myself  
I'm to the point where I want to die, to simply not exist  
But I don't want to do it myself  
I want to go out in a way  
That's a loophole to the sins they talk about  
I'm not religious, not in the least  
But I want something to fall back on in case they are true  
What can I say  
I fear the unknown, of what's to come  
But I don't fear death  
I'm a bit strange in that way  
I don't fear death but I fear the after  
If there even is an after  
Depends on what path you chose to follow  
So lets get down to it  
Let's see if I have the energy to walk in the street  
Let's see if I have the energy to talk back  
Let's see if I have the energy to fuck my body up  
Let's see if I have the energy to walk at night  
Let's see if I have the energy to fight against the law  
If not  
Maybe tomorrow


	25. In The Room (R)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A request by a friend. The prompt -Being lost in a room full of people- by Kavi. This is for you my friend.

I find myself immobilized in the sea of people that surround every direction  
Who were they? Where am I? Why can't I move?  
The room was so big, too big, this place too immense  
Why did I feel like I have to have someone approve  
The peoples' faces were blurry, out of focus  
Like a person without glasses looking at a small picture  
Some of them, however, I could see clearly  
Blinking a few times to be sure  
They were family, friends, people long passed  
They were still in the room, looking to me  
Some surprised, some confused, some smiling at long last  
"Are you lost?" My dearest friend asked, a tilt of the head with a smirk  
I would have replied, if my friend hadn't died a year ago  
"They are not ready for this yet, it's not their time" A reply from my Grandmother came  
An force tugged on me, through the crowd, pulling me in tow  
"We will meet again later, kiddo, when it is your place."  
"Wake up now! Come on! Do it for us!"  
With a start, I woke up in a white room, sterile and clean  
Tears ran down my eyes without words to discuss  
The last line yelled to me, was a voice so dear  
As the doctors rushed in, asking my time of waking up, of when  
The car crash, I knew, had claimed my mother's life as the faces blurred around me  
That is when I became lost in the room again.


	26. The Pain Is Real

I wish I could be shot  
Maybe then you would understand my pain  
I wish I could be gutted and my lungs ripped out  
Maybe then you would wince  
I wish that all my bones were broken with a old metal bat  
Maybe then you offer aid  
I wish that my arms were ripped from me  
Maybe then I could have an excuse  
I wish that I was cut with a thousand knives then doused with salt  
Maybe then I would be allowed to scream  
I wish I could be mugged and beaten and kicked  
Maybe then my tears would be useful  
I wish I could be hung and hit like a piñata  
Maybe then the pain would block out the rest of it  
I wish I could be cut into ribbons and splayed about  
Maybe then I would get the help needed  
I wish I was covered in bruises and welts and blood  
Maybe then people would care  
I wish I was physically hurt  
Maybe then people would actually notice


	27. What Do I Do Now?

The day may be bright but my thoughts are dark as a moonless night  
The beauty is only skin deep as my eyes begin to weep.  
The dark emotions only grow bigger as my mind considers pulling the trigger,  
My dearest friends, I only wish for my peaceful end  
No, that's not the fact, seeing the conviction I lack  
I just want things to go right, for my soul to see the light  
My trust is shaken, my faith is breakin'  
With all my heart I want to believe but I can't seem to breathe  
Two parts of me fighting with thunder and lightening  
A part saying you are liars, who should be punished for hurting me with unflinching fires  
Another saying life threw a curveball and they will still save us all  
My mind and heart being torn asunder, torn apart  
My friends I'm fighting off urges, these damned depression surges  
Panic attacks are all around me, they tell me the worst reality  
Please just hold me up before I fall out of life's open door  
Then again maybe it's time to say one last rhyme  
And sleep for eternity without another peep  
If I shall never again wake, pray the gods not my soul to take  
Let me wander the lands, with my sword in my hands  
And haunt forever the life I wanted better


	28. The Painful Truth

Today is the day that I let the truth out.  
Today is the day that the truth will be spoken to me.  
I know why you avoid me now.  
I know why the lines of spoken word has now ceased.  
I just wish you had told me.  
I just wish you had been honest with me.  
I knew something was wrong.  
I knew you were hiding something from me.  
I could feel the awkward air.  
I could feel the avoidance, the emotion behind your lack of words.  
I had hoped my feelings were lies.  
I had hoped my thoughts were just playing games.  
I wish that I could go back in time.  
I wish I could take back what I had lost.  
I can no longer trust as well as I did.  
I can no longer look at you the same.  
I hope you do well.  
I hope you keep your promise.  
I gave up a chunk of my life for your word.  
I gave up my way of things because your words.  
I might regret things now.  
I might fall too far.  
Are you happy?  
Are you even aware?  
Can you tell that I am at my limit?  
Can you tell that I want to grab a bottle and rope?  
Do you even understand how I feel?  
Do you even understand what I wish to do?  
The dreams I had that involved all of us  
The dreams I wanted so desperately to come true  
I'm beginning to doubt you care  
I'm beginning to doubt whether I mattered at all.  
Fuck you and how you make me feel  
Fuck you and my head still fighting for you  
I still believe in you.  
I still want to be at your side.  
Please just tell me we are done.  
Please just tell me we are still together, that the battle will be won.  
Talk to me and tell me the truth  
Talk to me and tell me the facts  
Yell at me and tell me the truth  
Yell at me and tell me the facts  
Scream at me and tell me the truth  
Scream at me and tell me the facts  
Don't leave me in the silence  
Don't leave me to wonder  
My mind is darker than I let on  
My mind is talkative when I am alone  
I think I might have to do terrible things  
I think I might have to do amazing things  
Let's see who will crack first.  
Let's see who will have the last laugh  
I love you my dear friends.  
I love you, but I hate you too~


	29. The World Is On Fire

I wish to say I cared  
As the world burned around me  
The ash filling the air, choking others as they plead for help  
I just sit down, admiring the world that I caused to die  
The flames licking the air, burning those who passed  
Many were dead, and I laughed  
I laughed, as those who broke me died  
I laughed, as the world had no more meaning for me  
I laughed, because this was my doing  
"World on fire with a smoking sun  
Stopping everything and everyone  
Brace yourself for all will pay  
Help... Is on the way."  
I sang it like it was my personal prayer  
As dead fell before me  
I knew that there would be hell to pay  
But I had already paid the price  
They had asked what would take to break me  
And they broke me  
The World is On Fire  
All that is shall burn  
All will suffer, as I have suffered  
And everyone shall learn.


	30. I Hate You (Song/2013)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't even remember the beat, but I wrote this after October 31st of 2013. Maybe you can hear it? Can you sing it?  
> 

*First Verse*  
Darkness rising deep inside me  
Fire running through my veins  
Explosions waiting for ignition  
Slowly driving me insane  
BURNING, BREAKING, and BOILING  
Causing something more than pain

*Chorus*  
I hate you with all my fire  
Burning you until you're dust  
Hating you is my desire  
Because you broke my trust  
I HATE YOU! (x2)

*Second Verse*  
The feelings deep inside of me  
Hatred is a new addition  
Drug of choice, pain and fear  
Liking it is my addiction  
You BURNED me, HURT me, and my soul  
So HATING you is my mission!

*Chorus*  
I hate you with all my fire  
Burning you until you're dust  
Hating you is my desire  
Because you broke my trust  
I HATE YOU! (x2)

*Bridge*  
Deep inside my soul I feel it  
Running strong and true  
Burning up inside of me  
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

*Chorus*  
I hate you with all my fire  
Burning you until you're dust  
Hating you is my desire  
Because you broke my trust  
I HATE YOU!

*Chorus*  
I hate you with all my fire  
Burning you until you're dust  
Hating you is my desire  
Because you broke my trust  
I HATE YOU! (x3)  
I  
HATE  
you...


	31. Pity (Song/2013)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Song Found. I was quite the song writer...

*First Verse*  
I thought you were there  
For me, my friend  
To support me when I felt low  
When I was about to let go  
But then you told me your secret  
Your dirty little secret  
That would break my heart---  
That would tear- me- APART-----!

*Chorus 1*  
Pity pity pity  
That's what you told me!  
Pity pity pity  
Now I fucking see!  
Pity pity oh pity  
The rest is history

*Second Verse*  
The time I spent with you  
My friend, I thought  
You made me feel as if I could fly  
Until you said good-bye!  
Now I'm coming undone  
Unwinding, unwinding  
You are breaking my heart---  
You are tearing- me- APART!

*Chorus 2*  
Pity pity pity  
Never stuck up for me  
Pity pity pity  
We couldn't be  
Pity pity pity  
Now we are history

*Bridge*  
You once told me---!  
You'd always be by my side---  
Now you are gone---  
A battle never to be won---!---

*Chorus 1*  
Pity pity pity  
That's what you told me!  
Pity pity pity  
Now I fucking see!  
Pity pity oh pity  
The rest is history

*Chorus 2*  
Pity pity pity  
Never stuck up for me  
Pity pity pity  
We couldn't be  
Pity pity pity  
Now we are history  
All you have is pity.....


	32. Depressing Poem (2013)

Pain is welling up in me  
The tears filling my eyes  
Our fiery flame now frozen  
After we said good bye

Now the time has come  
For us to do the dance  
Of humiliation  
Time for our last chance

Please--- Don't leave!  
Don't leave me here!  
Don't go away from me!  
You know what I fear!

I fear an icy heart  
Trapped from all emotion  
If I become my fear  
Drown me in my own ocean

My heart, already, full of ice  
No one is going to help me  
Fire can help me so nice  
Can no one truly see?


	33. What You Pass On (Old Poem)

Children pass on  
The knowledge of joy

Elders pass on  
The knowledge of wisdom

Teenagers pass on  
The knowledge of passion

Animals pass on  
The knowledge of loyalty

Teachers pass on  
The knowledge of hope

Doctors pass on  
The knowledge of health

Fathers pass on  
The knowledge of pride

Mothers pass on  
The knowledge of love

Sisters pass on  
The knowledge of family

Brothers pass on  
The knowledge of help

You pass on  
The knowledge of what  
The choice is yours  
Of what you pass on


	34. Despite It All

After the days have passed and the open wounds are just faded scars  
I look within myself and ask if I am alright  
The answer is a calm, but firm, no, but it's not as bad as before  
I will still cry at times and I will still lay awake at night  
I know that I still am hurting from the betrayal and it will linger still  
But I know that the pain is dulled and I can try to focus on others  
Telling myself that I am whole again and that nothing is wrong  
Is like lying and arguing with mothers  
My heart is full, cracked but beating still  
Still loving too much, too deeply, too completely  
I won't learn that lesson of protecting myself I guess  
Knowing that I will feel the pain of rejection and heartbreak consume me fully  
I still want to believe in fairy tales and that dreams will come true  
I want to believe people are good and that they will do the right thing  
I believe in the happily ever after and that someone will want me completely  
Instead of me being a few month fling  
I know I am setting myself up for another downfall  
And yet I cannot or will not stop myself from my hope  
Maybe I like the feeling of being broke apart  
Or maybe this is my only way to feel, to cope  
Yeah I am still going to break and lose bits along the way  
Yeah I am going to wish I don't exist and that things were back to the way they were back then  
Yeah I am going to hate you, love you, wish death and life on you,  
Yeah I will hurt, wondering how I am going to get over this and when  
But I am still here, fighting for what I believe in  
And what I believe in is hope and peace and love  
Who knows what will happen in the days or months or years to come  
All I know is that my feet are on the ground and my mind is in the clouds above  
With my friends at my side cheering me on  
With my dog and cat purring and comforting me on my bad days  
I will push through this depression with (hopefully) minimal damage  
And I will improve on my good hearted and head strong ways  
Just like in Undertale when we look in the mirror  
Despite it all, it's still me  
You broke me down and smashed me to pieces  
But I glued myself back together, stronger than can be


	35. When The Kingdom Fractures

The Queen was learning her place in the universe, her spine slowly strengthening and becoming steel  
Her eyes full of fire and hope and storms and light  
She slowly was growing into a woman of magic and wonder  
It seemed her rule was assured to succeed into the night  
However the one she chose to bring to her side brought chaos as well  
Her jester did not mean for this to happen, but his cursed past did so without mercy  
The Kingdom was upset, they did not want the former jester to return to the folds  
So they began to plan to fix the 'problem' that they foresee  
The Queen finally got rid of a Knight that was stalking her, causing her harm  
The Knight got his revenge and kicked her from the Kingdom  
Leaving her to weep and rage at the betrayal of her once dear friend  
The removal from her circle surprisingly giving her freedom  
She learned of betrayals in front of her, back stabbings from behind  
She learned of who was truly loyal to her, who was an actual confidant  
Now she must choose to forgive and forget, or hold on to the anger in her mind  
She can choose to be peaceful and melted, as she always has been for them  
Or she can stand for what she said, stand for her cause, and fight with her ever sharpening tongue  
With her Witch and Her Jester, with her new Knights of the LARP Table,  
The truth from their lying lips she will wrung.  
With those she calls to her side  
She will distinguish the truths from the lies  
She will choose who she will bring back into her heart  
And she will choose who to which she will say her good-byes


	36. Chapter 36

Please save me from drowning  
The voices in my head are getting loud again  
I know they lie, I know that they are just the disease making my head swim  
But I can't stop myself from partially believing them  
Why wont they shut up?  
Why wont they leave me the hell alone?  
I am trying so hard to reach for freedom again  
So close to what I need to do  
Yet  
The hands of anxiety start grabbing me  
The chokers of self-hate latch on  
The heels of doubt dig in  
The rope of depression wraps around my neck  
I wish I could cry more than I do  
I wish my spirit would just let it all out  
The Gods and Goddesses need to let me break this spell  
Let me cry please  
But no  
I have too many who rely on my strength  
I am too needed right now  
I need to be stronger  
I need to stop my drama  
I need to be better than this  
I need to care more for my family more than my friends  
I need to focus on school than the screaming in my head  
I need to go to work and make money to get as far as fuck possible  
I need the voices in my head to be silent  
I need my body to be not rigid as rock  
I need my spirit to not be so cracked  
I just want to die  
I just want to cry  
I just want to fly  
I want to say good-bye  
But I wont  
I have a kiddo who needs me more than ever  
I have a man who wants the best for me  
I have a group of warriors who would fight for me  
I have a bunch of idiots who I love more than life  
I cannot give up just yet  
Doesn't mean it will get better now  
But I will fight on  
Because I love them  
And hopefully against the voices opinion  
They love me too


	37. Happy Birthday To My Special Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is this guy, who is very dear to my heart. His birthday is coming up and I thought "You know what? Maybe I can use some of my talents to write him something sweet!" But then I got afraid and I don't want to show him... but I want a chance for him to. He never reads my stuff (Which is good. I don't want to explain some of these stories) but if one day, he decides he wishes to... Maybe he will see this and know how much I care. *laughs* Its kinda pathetic, but yeah. So here we go guys! One shiet poem coming up! *sighs*

Today is a great day because it is the day the world was gifted you  
The wonderful person to the group, someone very unique  
You bring the best out of me, so I wanted to bring out the best for you  
You deserve a day for you, just everything you deserve and desire to be true  
I know the last months have been chaotic with the move and the drama  
But I want you to know that today, it all will melt away as I work my own magic  
You may be important to so many lives, which is no joke or lie  
You support so many people, give your life and time and heart to others, which is the reason why  
I thought to get you so many things to make you smile  
Getting you music, buying you games, baking a cake, stealing a pie  
Just to see those deep eyes of yours sparkle and light up like a Christmas tree  
To see that incredible smile you give just for me  
I want you to have the world at your fingertips for the day  
One day with no trouble, no drama, no responsibilities or war  
Just you at peace with cake and fun, laughter and harmony  
Because that is what you deserve, for doing so much for so many  
Honestly, I want you to know how great you are  
Yes yes I know you know already, since you are talented  
But I want you to know the things you may not know, the smaller things that make you great  
The way you get rather pouty if we take a little longer in the store  
The way you get excited showing off something you love, having to pause a movie to explain and educate about it  
The way you randomly get silly and make others smile, being dorky and adorable  
The way you argue your point, using the bits and pieces of knowledge you have as your basis (and being right, of course)  
Maybe it's just me and I'm biased at my point of view of you  
But I just hope I made your day a little better  
You survived another 365 days of hell on this world  
So you should be able to get a day to enjoy the good bits  
I may not be able to do much, as I am a normie amongst the incredible that is you and your friends  
But I can do my best to bring that wonderful smile to your lips  
So happy birthday, my wonderful friend  
Cheers to you and another year of life  
May troubles be far from your mind  
And your day be far from strife  
To Auric! Another year around the Sun!  
To the one who can get any war won!  
May the gods and goddesses bless thy day!  
And may this embarrassing poem be finally done!


	38. My Knowledge Is My Downfall

I hate that I know my mind is sick  
I know the voices telling me others would be better off if I was dead are just the disease talking  
I know the ache in my chest and the lack of will is the sickness in my head  
I know the attacks at random, even when I am happy, are just part of the symptoms.  
I can't even fully enjoy when I can feel, as I am afraid of another panic  
It sucks when you are self aware of the illness in your head  
As you know it is just the disease talking and hurting you  
But you can't stop yourself from listening to them  
You know it will hurt you but it will pass  
But it doesn't feel like it as it consumes you whole  
You know you are not a burden onto others  
Yet you cant open up to them, lest you become what you fear  
I just want a few days of peace  
A coma just to lessen my woes for a week or more  
I don't even mind knocking at death's door  
Just take me out of my mind and let me rest  
A deep rest that will fix my broken soul and shattered emotions  
Fix the exhaustion that no amount of sleep will grant me respite from  
The thing is people rely on me, they need me  
I cannot rest, and I cannot go to fix myself  
I have a child that calls on me when her own mind is even cruel to her than mine is to me  
I have several friends who would hunt me down and demand answers  
I have parents would would raise hell knowing that I kept this from them  
I do not have the money to go to the hospital for a while  
I cannot afford to miss on work to go get some help  
I cannot afford a doctor visit to get medicine or visit a therapist to talk  
I cannot afford to miss anymore classes to breath or mental health day  
I am chained underwater by responsibilities and   
I'm drowning  
I'm drowning and I'm trying to swim and struggle and fight  
But I am losing air and the will to fight  
My muscles hurt, my lungs hurt, my very being hurts  
Everyone is grabbing me, trying to pull me up but they don't realize that  
When they are pulling me up, they are also dragging me down  
I love it when they show they care but then  
I feel like a selfish unworthy bitch who doesn't deserve your consideration  
You are lifting me up with your kindness and love  
Yet my fears of you all drag me down faster than I can be saved  
I want to believe you so much, the gods know I do  
But the times I tried to believe in people, they were ripped from me  
I am so afraid, terrified of being ripped from you again  
Please, console me  
Shove me away  
Hug me tightly  
Tell me to not come around  
Kiss the bruises better  
Lock me out  
Keep me safe  
Keep you safe  
Keep me in your thoughts  
Don't waste your time on me  
SAVE ME  
LEAVE ME  
Yeah, it sucks when you are self aware of the illness in your head  
Because it is a constant war no one wins


	39. Not Worth It

You shouldn't have to worry about me, my dear  
I am not something worth dwelling on  
I'm sorry I took up your time  
I am sorry I am something you have to worry on.  
I wish I had the strength to leave this all behind  
So you all wouldn't have to suffer my presence  
Because I know I am insufferable and annoying  
I know I am a burden on everyone, in every sense  
Do you know how much it hurts to know that  
You are replaceable and useless  
No matter how hard you fight and try  
You are someone no one would miss  
I hate that I cannot spare you my companionship as  
I need to be around you  
It hurts like a bullet yet comforts like a song to be around your aura  
I can't leave despite what I want to do  
I hate myself as I make you worry for me  
I hate myself as you attempt to take care of me  
I hate myself as you show how much you think of me  
I wish I could be someone who deserves to be  
Loved, admired, honored, wanted  
By you, even though I don't know  
What do you even see in me?  
I am nothing more than a selfish, lying, depressing sack of woe  
I don't deserve your kind eyes and your gentle, firm hands  
I don't deserve the words of encouragements coming from your wondrous lips  
I don't deserve the genuine care that you gift me day and night  
Fucking hell I don't deserve you and your magnificent quips  
And yet you stay with me, at my side  
Me with my broken shell and my cracked soul  
Maybe you just don't see how completely shattered I am  
Maybe you think I am fixable, just another walk in the park stroll  
Prepare for a warning, my sweet man  
I know I put on a hell of a show, the sweet, lovely girl with a beaming smile  
But inside of me is someone who is ready to die  
A girl who is screaming, crying, bawling wanting to be taken to the green mile  
I wish I could gift you the world for how much you mean to me  
I want to show you just how much I need and care for you, how much you make me feel lighter  
But I know I am nothing compared to those around you  
I'm not a skilled fighter  
I'm not an exotic beauty  
I'm not an intelligent scientist  
I'm not an adventurous explorer  
I'm someone easily missed  
I am the sheltered no one that doesn't get many of your references  
I am the fragile one who can't handle sparring for long  
I'm the one who hasn't experienced enough to pass judgment  
I'm the one who's picky and doesn't know how to properly use a bong  
Can't sing, can't draw, can't fight, can't pass  
Can't focus, can't speak, can't dance, can't sleep  
Can't flirt, can't hold on, can't open up, can't do anything right  
Look at my writing, so terrible that even the gods weep  
I know you will never see this, so you will not know my deepest pain  
That is somewhat of a comfort to me, as I don't want you to worry  
I wish I could open up to you without feeling as if I am a burden  
And when the day comes when I finally crack, I am and will be so sorry  
I'll either be at death's door, or already dead  
And my suffering will be finally at an end  
However it will be passed on to you more than a thousand fold  
Because you care for me, and you will blame yourself, my friend  
Then again, with the way you and them care so much for me, maybe  
I will be whole again, fixed with curse words, magic, and love  
Maybe I will be able to smile and mean it, fluffy cheeks and all  
Maybe I will be able breath without feeling crushed, to be free like a dove  
Right now, I don't know much other than I will try  
I will try for my beloved sister, I will try for my nerds  
I will try for my goofy boys, I will try for my beautiful witch  
I will try for my hacker, I will try for the birds  
I will try for you as well  
My marvelous sire  
As it is you as well that  
I very much do admire  
So at the end of the night, I might cry  
I might scream to the world, I might want to die  
But I will survive for you and for them all  
With a smile on my face, nothing more than a lie  
One day I will feel joy in my heart again  
One day soon  
Or one day I will finally end all my pain  
While I talk with the moon  
So here is the end of my long and tragic poem  
I hope I did not surprise you  
Until the next time, my friends  
I bid you, adieu


	40. I Forgive Too Easy

I forgive too easy  
To the point where you could ruin my entire existence  
Give it enough time, reflection, and self doubt  
And I will welcome you back with open arms  
You ruined my solid bonds with people  
You kicked me from what I called home  
You fractured the trust I had in you  
Now however I talked to you once more  
I allowed you to speak on your mind  
You reacted out of emotion, not hate  
You lost the logical mindset you always have  
I get it  
I understand  
And that is why I will forgive those who hurt me  
I can understand why they do things  
What can push them to take drastic measures  
And hurt people  
Like me  
I forgive because I was denied forgiveness  
For things I do not remember  
For things I could not control  
For who I am  
For who I stand for  
I forgive because I understand the pain others go through  
I forgive because I don't want others to feel the anguish I do  
I forgive because I have a heart  
A damned heart that is too big and too soft to hate  
A beautiful heart that believes everyone can be a good person if they just try  
A broken heart that bleeds too much if anyone betrays its trust  
But I will forgive you  
I always do  
I will always be there if you need me  
No matter what you do  
I will be your friend  
I will be your stuffie  
I will be your wall  
I will be your Queen


	41. Jealousy

I am known as the girl with the perpetual smile  
The Mallow, the Queen, the Fluffy One, The Good Girl  
And yet there is a darkness inside of me  
That just causes me pain and suffering  
I never knew this awful feeling inside of me before you  
You, who aren't even mine  
You, who I want beyond anything else  
She, who stands at your side like I  
At first, I hated her at the mere mention of her name  
I, who didn't even know her!  
Hated her!  
That is not what the mallow does  
I did not know why I hated her only  
I did  
I very much did  
I wanted her gone  
That frightened me  
That pleased me  
That hurt me  
I don't hate people  
I don't hate people I don't even know  
I don't hate anyone  
Except myself  
I felt awful for hating this woman  
Who my dear friend cared for like me  
I felt hateful at this woman  
who my dearest friend cared for like me  
I thought I was up against a woman  
Who would be cruel against me  
And yet  
When I met her  
She was kind  
She was soft  
She was like me  
She was like my sister  
And I hate her more now  
Because I cannot hate her  
She is damaged like I  
Anxious and worried  
I wonder if she hated me as well  
Me, who her friend cared for like her  
I hate myself as  
I cannot bare to hate her  
I hate this feeling within me when I think of them  
Together  
I hate that I cannot just accept this  
My heart is big, My heart is very accepting  
Everyone says so, I agree  
And yet trying as I might, my heart is being crushed  
I love him  
I love him like no other  
I love him like I have never loved before  
So I will try and accept  
I will fight this ugly feeling off  
I will stop crying when I think of them  
I will accept that he isn't mine  
I will accept that one day he will leave  
Because honestly, Im not enough for him  
I'm not good enough for him  
I'm not good enough for anyone  
And that is why I am jealous of her


	42. Take Care Of Myself

You all give me looks of pity I can see  
Looking at the circles under my eyes makes you worry  
I laugh, I smile, I joke, I play along with the Game  
But you all can see the lies, or maybe I am just hopeful  
I don't eat healthy because I don't have the time  
I rush from place to place like a damn nomad  
I don't have the money to spend on myself  
I spend it on others, on the car, on bare needs  
I don't eat because I hate myself and the way I look  
I think I'm losing weight already, and sickeningly I love it  
I eat too much as It is anyway  
I don't even want cake for my birthday  
I want a decent meal  
A home-cooked meal made with love  
Not employees being paid minimum wage  
I haven't been sleeping well  
Place to place, not one called truly home  
Home is where my heart is and   
I have no heart at the moment for myself  
I don't sleep as I have so much going on  
Inside of me, outside of me, in front of me  
Sleep and dream, all I desire  
But I wont get it for a very long time  
I hate myself, and I am slipping into a desperation  
I need to go to the doctors to fix me up and get me motivated  
I am slipping into the hole of darkness and self hate  
More like I am being dragged and no matter how much I fight  
I am more like giving bare bones effort to keep myself alive  
I want to die  
The gods know how much I want to die  
If it wasn't for the ties my heart has I would be dead  
The only reason, the strong reason, for keeping me on this blasted earth  
Is the girl who looks to me for strength, love, light, and knowledge  
She is my lifeline, she is my world, she is my light in this darkness  
I will stay for her  
I will give my life for her  
The only use for this damaged body anyway  
It hurts so much sometimes to just exist  
My back feels like a brick wall  
I want someone to relax me, but I feel like  
The slightest touch will make me cry  
My arms feel heavy, and the joints hurt  
My eyesight is getting worse as these words begin to blur  
My teeth are crumbling away, the taste of blood as I brush  
Speaking of blood, its been a month now since the beginning   
Of Satan's sacrificial waterfall  
It won't stop  
I can't even enjoy myself knowing that  
It hurts to walk on my feet, whose flesh I have peeled away  
Everything hurts, inside and out  
I cannot stop crying at times, when I am alone  
These voices in my head won't leave me alone  
I just want to feel like I matter again  
They try and try and try  
To put it in my head that I do but I can't believe them  
I know myself better than they do and I concluded  
That there is no need for a worthless being like myself  
I am nothing more than a waste of space  
And I fight so hard to matter  
I want to matter so much  
I want someone, anyone, to think of me in more than just in the moment  
I want someone to hold me close and tell me they think of me  
They want me to matter as well  
I wish so much, I dream so little anymore but when I do  
I want to be happy again, not this numbness I have grown accustomed to.  
I wish I could open up about how bad I feel, and not just give the answers they want to hear  
"I'm just tired. No need to worry."  
"Ha ha, I am just tired, darlin'."  
"I guess I didn't sleep well. Just tired."  
"Work wore me out. Tired, is all."  
"School was long. So tired."  
Its better to say you are tired than I want to die right now  
Its better to say you couldn't sleep rather than it hurts to just exist  
I don't want them to worry and yet  
I want someone, anyone, to call me out on my bullshit  
Those who I did open up to?  
They don't have the full story  
They will never have the full story  
I don't want to lose people again  
I just am so tired  
"You need to take care of yourself."  
"Treat yourself nice."  
"You need to rest. Take care of yourself."  
"Let me get out the bed for you. Take care of yourself."  
Stop caring about me, please  
It will only make things worse  
Stop it, please  
I just can't understand  
Why are you so nice to me?  
I will take care of me when I care about me  
So why should you care  
When I don't?


	43. The Reason I Stay

I don't yell, curse, or scream at people  
Until I am pushed to the breaking point of my mind  
You did this to me, You!   
Leaving me broken and in a bind  
Only in this mental state can I see your flaws and your weaknesses  
How you cannot do for me as I do for you  
See how you ignore my needs and my desires  
You seemingly watching as I come unglued  
Maybe in my rage I am seeing things that are not there  
And maybe you actually give a shit about me  
After all, why would you keep me around without caring?  
Maybe its the food I buy, the gifts I give, and not leaving for who you see  
That would be the grand punchline wouldn't it?  
I am safe, and I am always guaranteed to be on your side  
So why truly care about me seeing that I wont leave?  
I didn't leave my family, and I didn't leave my father who lied  
I don't leave because I believe in the good of people, and maybe because  
I don't like to burn the bridges I put so much heart into building up  
So I will stay, and I will suffer, because I will not stop loving you  
My heart and soul and mind and body belong to you, yup  
So this is my curse, and yours probably too  
You have something about you that makes people adore your presence  
Its not your fault that you are kind, sweet, and oh so addictive  
Its not my fault you called out and toyed with my innocence  
I wish I could remove the pain from my heart  
But to do that, I would have to walk away forever from your life  
After the first time, I cannot do it again  
Being away from you causes me more strife  
So the tale ends short  
The tale is one retold  
The boy, the girl, and the other femme  
One a tale been around from time of old  
Who will survive? Who will make the cut?  
Who will win the heart? Who will stay?  
As much as I hate to fight, I will do so as much as I can  
Because I will be unable to stay away  
What of the outcome?  
May the time here be sweet and true  
Until the next poem,  
I bid you all adieu


	44. The Only Thing That Calms My Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yesterday I nearly did something very dangerous and dumb that would have changed so many lives for the worse. I managed to tear away from it, but not of my own choice, but the fact that there was too many people nearby. If you are experiencing Depression, Anxiety, Bi Polar, or any other mental disorder that could end your own life, please, get help, be it going to therapy, talking with your friends, discussing it with family, scheduling a doctor's visit (and going to it!), taking your medicine, or any other way to keep your self alive. Stay strong my friends. I love you all.

So many things limit my rage or my sorrow from tipping over to boiling point  
Yet none calm my soul like singing  
I could be dying inside and the urge to jump at the surface  
Yet the beat of a song and the rhythm of music can stop my ears from ringing  
You can't hear the voices of doubt when the bass of a song is pounding in your ears  
You don't have to worry about pressing anxieties when you listen to the lyrics of your favorite song  
You can finally scream in a way that won't scare others  
You can scream without others finding out anything is wrong  
You can get emotional when the music playing, others thinking it is moving you  
The music in your ears, finding the playlist to drown your soul in  
It makes the pain stop, even for a while  
It can lift the weight of your damned sin  
I don't give a fuck if I go deaf from the volume  
I don't care if my heart gives out from the pounding of the beat  
If listening to music will cause me to die of any kind  
I will happily go to death to greet  
When the music is playing at its loudest in my ears  
I think I finally become numb to the world around me and the feelings within me  
Allow my mind to slip into the void of dreams and imagination  
So that the reality in front of me fades, and my true kingdom I see  
Maladaptive Daydreaming they call it, where you see that land like you see the real world  
I haven't delved so deep into the world in such a long time  
So many characters call my name and reach for me, trying to pull me in  
If I give up on this world, would that be such a crime?  
They want me there, there I am a hero and a god  
I can solve problems, laugh, love, joke, and enjoy a life worth living  
Every problem that comes up, my characters and friends can fix with an adventure  
Every war, a story, every battle, everyone forgiving  
I do not need to worry about the friends in my head  
They will never leave, they will not betray, they will not die  
They will remain at my side, loyal and steady  
Then again, there is the fact that to others they are not 'real', a beautiful lie  
They are real to me, and they encourage me when no other will  
This world cares for me not, why should it, I'm worthless  
So I shall rescind into the world of Destronia with my people awaiting their Creator  
I will work on the kingdom, rebuild the people, clean up the mess  
Maybe by doing so, I will fix me too  
With the music in my head and my head in the heavens  
Ignoring the reality around me, floating by  
Ignoring everyone around me, their concerns and questions  
Maybe I will reach the state of leaving this world completely  
And remaining in Destronia as Queen and Goddess  
If my body here gets destroyed completely  
I can leave and remain there in madness  
So the choice is up to me, the balance fragile  
Do I keep my head In reality, and end up committing suicide to escape it all?  
Do I leave my thoughts to Destronia to become a mindless drone in the real life?  
Do I try to mediate between the two to keep me from rising too high or causing a fall?  
I don't know anymore, the land in my head looks promising  
So I may as well see if it works for me there  
If my mind is gone, maybe my body will fix things  
Maybe I will disappear and go who knows where  
So let the music play on  
My consciousness is already slipping away  
So it begins the darkness part two  
Maybe I will come home one day


	45. Chapter 45

You gave me a choice to live or die  
You are always about choices aren't you  
You like to be open, to have the chance to run it seems  
Maybe it's just the anger in my heart speaking what it feels too  
I'm getting angry once more, the fury building up  
Everyone can't be wrong, right?  
If they all say the same thing, it must have some truth to the matter  
They all say I deserve better, I deserve the light  
I am smart, they say, I am loyal  
I am soft, they confirm, I am loving  
I deserve to be the princess  
I deserve to be the one everyone is coveting  
I don't agree fully, as I hate myself honestly  
I am not worth the dirt beneath the heel of a tyrant  
I'm not worth the air I breath, the space I waste  
But they all believe in me, believe I can do what I think I can't  
They see the good in me, the love in me, the me that is really me  
They all see that I am good inside  
I deserve better, they encourage this  
I look at my stories, my worlds, my creations, my friends  
And think that maybe there is something amiss  
Do I deserve better?  
Star gives me a gentle smile and takes my hand  
"I am not the one to ask, but I can say you deserve to have love."  
"I feel like I am drowning in quick sand."  
"It can get that way, but we can get through this, like always. You have me, I have you."  
"We have Kylia, Grace, and Moon too."  
"Always a pack, always a family. You deserve love. Love in it's truest form."  
"Ya telling me to forget about the men and women that I wish to woo?"  
"I'm telling you to forget him and live for us. Live for you."  
Wincing, my chest twinging, unable to get breath  
"You deserve to have love."  
"I... I can't, with that I am beneath."  
"You deserve love."  
Chanting over and over in my head, like a ritual  
Love love love love love love love love you deserve love  
Leaving me feeling something empty, something spiritual  
Maybe they are right, maybe I do deserve something more  
I know where to find it, how to get there, but it will be permanent  
It will be at the bottom of a tall building, the highway beneath the bridge  
Going there will be no accident  
I think I am coming home  
Carry on my wayward form  
Destronia will greet me like a song  
Maybe it can be my new norm  
Here is to my dragons  
Here is to my friends  
Here I come my sweet souls  
As the poem ends


	46. The Lover I Am

When I think of Love, I see a domestic life  
I believe in the truest love, and not just of the sexual kind  
I believe in walking up next to them, yawning and grumbling,  
Before turning over and softly smiling at seeing their resting face  
I want to fall back to sleep on the days I can  
Or if I have to get up, they pull me close as I attempt to do so  
Groaning in sleepiness, don't go just yet  
I want to go grocery shopping, he being the list taker  
He wants to get dinners and fruits  
I want to get snacks and sweets  
He scolds me for adding snack cakes, before  
Throwing in my favorite guilty pleasures  
I want to go on late night drives, just relaxing  
Go to a park, enjoy the stars, maybe see a late movie  
Stay up half the night talking and laughing  
I want to have a buddy who will be at my side  
Encouraging me, working with me, fighting at my side  
Walking with me when I need to get out or exercise  
Sparring with me when I get the mood to  
Laughing as I don't play by the rules before joining in breaking them  
I want to try making him things  
Maybe explaining why the cake is smoking out of the oven  
Show him the poem I wrote him, red in the face  
Making him an old time arts and crafts  
He in the same would show me himself  
Maybe he can fix cars, and shows me how to take care of them  
Maybe he dances, and twirls me like top  
Maybe he can sing, and we do wondrous duets  
Sure there will be down times, the bad times  
Fighting, my depression, his own health, the like  
When I get to my lowest point, I want him to run after me  
Always after me, not to leave me to do stupid things  
I want him to hold me after a fight, while I cry and apologize,  
Stroking my hair, telling me that he was sorry too  
I want the random texts, asking if my favorite color is still blue or  
If I would fight a cat for the sake of being right  
I want to get the check-up messages making sure I am doing ok  
Or if maybe I need to stop and get food  
I want to spoil him so much, treat him like a King  
In return I want to be treated as a Queen  
Then again, I probably lecture him on wasting money on me  
I don't know why, but I can give gifts and shower praise,  
But I always feel guilty getting gifts back and feeling like the praise is lies  
However there is one place I like to be rewarded  
The room that we share a bed  
Gentle kisses all over my body, turning into bites  
Worshipping me as if I am their religion  
As I worship in the same  
Trying out the different ways, exploring the desires  
In this way, I am selfish  
Afterwards, in the glow of our time  
Cleaning up and giggling  
More kisses that turn into teasing  
Maybe another round  
And another  
And another  
I have the day off after all  
I want a domestic love with all the trimmings  
That is the best way to show it  
Maybe one day I will have that being in my life  
Maybe I already know him  
Play the waiting game, treat everyone nice  
Until then, my one day true love!


	47. Chapter 47

All I want is the same care I show  
To be shown back to me  
I give you my attention so whole heartedly  
And I get the bare minimum it seems  
I try to not fight with you  
Even as you do stupid shit  
I hold my tongue as I know you are sick  
And you cannot grant me the same curtasy  
I hurt so much in my soul  
You don't seem to fucking see it  
Only when the nice façade fades away and my fangs are bared  
Do you actually concern yourself with me  
I seem to be always the first to message you  
And even then I don't always get a reply  
I had a break down for hours  
Crying to the world my pain  
Scared out of my mind  
Wishing I had someone, anyone, to hold me  
To tell me I am worth knowing  
I fucking understand I am dime a dozen  
I know that I will not be remembered  
I know I am so fucking useless to you all  
Just hide it better wont you!  
I know my sins are a mile long  
And I have guilt resting on me for the sins of others  
I wish I could do better than  
beinggarbageuselessworthlessfuckingweak  
But I am where I am right now  
Look at me  
Please  
Hold me  
I am so scared  
Of the world  
Of those in it  
Of myself  
I want to feel safe  
I want to feel ok  
I just want everything  
To Stop.


	48. I Love You

I do not ask for much from you  
Hell, I don't think I ask anything at all  
But I give so much to you and everyone  
I feel my will slowly fade  
I pay attention to everything you show me  
Even when you think I dont  
Even when its something I dont really get  
Even when the subject isnt something I am into  
I give it my full attention for you  
Because I want to make you happy  
And anything that makes you happy  
I will do my damnedest to remember  
I don't ask for repayment for the gifts I bare  
I dont wish to have you spend money on me  
Fuck that would make me feel worse  
When I do things for you  
It feels natural, like breathing  
I love you  
I _love_ you  
But sometimes I feel  
Forgotten  
Replaceable  
Rejected  
Ignored  
The things I wish for in return, if at all, are simple things  
I wish for you to be the first in saying I Love You in a conversation  
At least act like you are interested in my interests  
Read my work and tell me what you think  
Sing a duet with me, any genre any song we know  
Hold me close and tell me you are glad I am in your life  
Show me you care dammit  
I am with you in person but sometimes  
I feel even more alone than when we are apart  
I wish I could be brave enough to tell you all this  
I should be  
I love you  
I _LOVE_ you  
You tell me we can talk  
You tell me I can talk to you about everything  
But everytime we do  
I feel so terrible  
I wasted your time on my pathetic self  
I took up your attentions on something so miniscule  
I made you worry about my worthless self  
Not to mention  
When I tell you how upset I am  
About my troubles  
You get sick  
You get hurt  
You end up worse than before  
Goddammit the guilt fucking _KILLS_ me!  
Do you fucking know how much it does??  
I harm you with my shitty mental health  
Why don't you ever tell me to fuck off?  
Save yourself the trouble  
You say that there was other things that causes the illnesses  
But how it looks  
I am a bad causation  
I love you  
I _LOVE_ you  
But I am toxic it seems  
Please  
Say you love me first  
Hold me close randomly  
Show me you care  
Give me validation  
Please  
I am so sorry for all of this  
I am sorry that I am here  
I am sorry I cannot walk away  
I am so sorry that I hurt you  
I love you  
I love you


	49. Love Is Pain

Love is just a pain in the ass  
It hurts you when you cannot see the ones you love  
Or when you love people who seemingly don't love you back  
It's like getting an extra few turns upon the rack  
I wish I didn't love as deeply as I do now  
Everyone says it's a gift to do so  
It's a damn curse I swear to you!  
Causing heartache no matter what you do  
I love someone with all of my being  
And yet it seems like he doesn't care  
Is it a game? Is it a play? Do you enjoy using me?  
I wonder if you care about my tears, I wonder if you see  
I love someone with a careful heart  
He shows me love, he allows me to be soft  
Perhaps he would want something more  
But my heart is still caught up in something, my heart is still sore  
I am afraid to love him, afraid of what could come  
Dear gods allow me some peace in his arms  
But then again, why would he want me when he could have another?  
I do not want to be a bother  
To her she is my sorceress  
Loving, sweet, so much strength in her eyes and yet as broken as I  
She says we can build up each other, I will show you how beautiful you truly are  
My dear, I hope I can do the same to you, and show you that you are a shining star  
I run myself ragged for love, I run myself ragged for memory  
I push myself forward for the ones I live for  
If I die for my loves, then please remember me full of love and light  
And please, say your wishes to me in the quiet in the night  
For you all are my heart, you all are my home  
I do wish you all safe travels for where ever you roam  
Even if you hurt me, even if you make me cry  
I will always love you, to the day I die


	50. Love's Definitions

Everyone has a different definition of Love,  
And it is getting to the point where I am confused on its meaning  
Just when I think I have the clear cut answer,  
Someone comes along to change it, be it helpful or demeaning.

When I was young, love was loyalty to the family.  
"I love my mommy and daddy. I love my baby sister."  
It was simple, and nothing to worry about.  
Other than playing games like twister.

When I grew to adolescence, love was a question.  
"Do you really love me? What is love, honestly?"  
Confusion, self-doubt, my own words failing me  
Felt like I just went through Homer's Odyssey

When my head got sick, love was a curse.  
"No one loves me. Love is fake."  
Love became more like hatred, the world against me.  
Leaving nothing but scars in its wake.

When I got to college, love was something more again.  
"I care for you, I like you, I love you, my friend."  
My heart felt less heavy, my eyes still red but clearing  
Finding the word is in my head, something I can learn to comprehend.

When he entered my life, love was my world.  
"I love you, I want you, and one day we will marry."  
The world had color, the rose lenses I wore making it so  
It was a long while before I once again felt wary.

Currently, Love is something I give willingly  
“Babe, take care of yourself. I love you too, bestie. Please be careful.”  
You never know when will be the last you see them,  
So I make sure that my love is universal.

Life is short, so Love must be long.  
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”  
So please, give it when you can, don’t add to the hate.  
Just say it, out of the blue.


End file.
